My Higher Power is John Stamos
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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