I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
