So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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