He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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