Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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