***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
