i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I looked at my own cervix.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Randomize
