I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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