So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
