if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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