I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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