I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
