cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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