I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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