You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
