I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
