My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
