I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
