After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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