Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
