You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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