i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
