My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
