I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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