It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
