now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
