i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
