I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
