Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
