I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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