I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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