Can i not drive my cunt home
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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