Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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