just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
