I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
