I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
