im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
