dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
