So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
