yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
