you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
FUCK WHALES
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
