Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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