im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
