i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
