I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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