I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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