I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
