When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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