When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
