whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize