just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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