eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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