I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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