He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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