The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
