My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
