I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
